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Life mental health Uncategorized

A Hard and Honest Moment

This has been sitting in my drafts for a little bit. Originally when I wrote it I felt that I should not go through with posting it. Then I thought, heck with it. It’s real and I’m far from perfect. Back and forth I went not knowing what to do with it. I still feel I shouldn’t put it out there but I sit here knowing that in the end I will push that publish button. Sure, I may have family that might read it, or a co-worker that might see it, but like I said, it’s real and I don’t like fake. So as you read this (IF you read this) please know that we all have our struggles, or weaknesses and our secrets. But we are ALL worthy of forgiveness and His love. If you are struggling with any addictions or mental health, PLEASE reach out and talk to someone. You’re worth it and you ARE loved! -Ang

To start this off, I want to add a paragraph from a past post in case someone didn’t read it. I want you to have more of an understanding where this post originated and my feelings going into it. I want you to have a little background if you don’t know me or my story. Also, when I go off on a tangent I rarely get all I want to say out, I often miss important things, and I hardly ever fill in all the blanks So please, if I seem callous and uncaring, that’s not the whole story lol.

“My biggest struggle by far has been my workplace. When they implemented mandatory masks for employees and customers this meant that each time I worked I fought back those anxieties and all the trauma shit that come with it. It is exhausting to have to find a way to do my job, deal with customers yelling and threatening (another big trigger for me), my own mental health including the panic attacks that were incurring constantly due to all the triggers and extra stress…I was a mental mess. I still am, to be honest. I’m finding it very hard to cope with it all.”

I’ve been struggling with the need to drink again. Not gonna lie, I’ve allowed myself to give into those urges on more than a handful of occasions. Am I proud of that? No. Am I ashamed of it? Yes, but that’s allowed right? I worry that I won’t always have that control to stop after 1 or 2 again. It makes me angry. Pissed right off actually that I would allow my workplace to force this on me which means I need to deal with all this shit I’ve worked so hard to deal with and keep under control. I hate myself some days for allowing them to have that kind of power. But it’s my job. *sigh Why is it okay for a customer to come and start threatening the employees and other customers because he has PTSD? I understand..but this is NOT an excuse to treat people horribly. Why is it okay that I be put in the situation of having to deal with this man who is triggering my own CPTSD? Why is it okay that the managers bend over backwards to kiss this man’s ass and I need to have someone ring in all his stuff and deliver it to him in the parking lot because he couldn’t handle being in the store with the mask?

There are people we can’t call to help us on cash because they have anxiety and have trouble being on cash, scared of being yelled at, the noise is a trigger, have claustrophobia and can’t be behind the tills with the plexi, etc. What does my manager say?? “The anxiety thing is really being over used lately. This is part of their job and if they can’t fulfill it they need to find another job.” And then proceeds to fake an anxiety attack. What was my reaction to the last person who began to have an anxiety attack while on till? My initial reaction was from a place of anger and resentment. I pictured that manager’s mocking ways and heard his words bounce around in my head. When I was able to recognize that feeling, I was in a better place to get a replacement immediately and speak with her about my concerns. I let a (different) manager know about the situation and told her if she’s called again to give one of 3 names and let them know she does not need to run till as per these people. I hope it helps her but the toxicity of this place and of the people working there just keeps getting worse.

I’m stuck at this point. Not knowing if I should numb myself again so I don’t turn to drinking to cope again or if I should quit my job so I can take care of ME. I need the job. But my kids need ME, not the alcohol sneaking, angry version of myself, but the real me that has worked SO fucking hard to get to where I am (was…I feel that slipping away every time I go to work). The ME that lives for hearing them laugh and play loudly even if that means I can’t talk on the phone because they’re too loud. The ME that reads to them every night before bed instead of ending every day with yelling because they’re cutting into MY time now.

It’s unfair. And I hate it.

And that’s my dark and ranting post for today. I mean, I could go on but really, what’s the point.

Categories
Life mental health poetry

I’ve Been Stressing Again

Monochrome Photo of Woman

Thanksgiving. Christmas. Family, lack of it. Oy! Haven’t seen some of my family since last Christmas and that’s a really long time. I’m nervous about the upcoming holidays. Anxious actually.

The thing about anxiety is that I don’t believe it ever actually goes away. It’s always there lurking like a silent shadow creeping along beside you, only showing itself at the most inopportune times. When it’s not creeping it’s out in plain site with all it’s glory just hanging out for all to see while dragging you down the darkest alley while you scream profanities into the black holes of other faceless creatures. No one to help you, all judging in the harshest of ways from the color of your shoes to the way your hair curls awkwardly at the back.

No one else can see them, of course. And no one can see that this anxiety has been following you around day after day after day until it finally just jumps at you from behind a light post on your way to the park. And no one can see its long, scaly fingers and the grip they have on you as it drags you off screaming as loud as you can. All they see is you throwing a fit and screaming to no one and everyone.

All I want to do is stay home where I feel safe. All I want to do is go out and see people to take my mind off all the problems. All I want is … I don’t even know.

Well that took a turn in a direction I wasn’t planning. I’ll try again another time. Life is calling.

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Life mental health Uncategorized

I Made It Through Yet Another September (well, almost)

September.

Ever since 2010, the months of August, September and December have been so hard due to some hard times and family things. The depression hits, the mood swings are worse because of numerous reasons, my sleep suffers and I really struggle to even get out of bed most days.

This summer was a very intentional summer in my home. I made a real effort to have fun with the kids, help them make their own decisions (big and small), do things they wanted to do and at the same time fill my own cup with making our adventures educational and memorable. The summer flew by with their first camping trip, their first tenting experience, time at my husband’s family cabin with just me and them, nature walks, sunset chasing, dragonfly saving…ALL the things! I needed it, they needed it. I also made sure to allow tons of time for them to spend with their cousin who they will not be seeing much now that he is starting school many hours away in Moose Jaw. They had their last play date and we were all sad saying good-bye. I worry about him being so far away. And I also worried daily about the 2020 school year looming and what it was going to look like.

Mid-August my youngest turned 5. I’m still trying to figure out how that happened so fast. The day of his birthday I received an email asking all families to let the school district know if they were NOT planning on sending their children back to school. This was a big decision in which I had been speaking to my kids about probably more often than necessary. They knew their options and understood that there was no wrong answer but I wanted them to make that decision from their heart.

Starting September 9th this year my children began new journeys that they had a part in deciding. I am proud of them for making the decision and I am in their corners all the way.

Brody

Brody began grade 5 with a teacher who shares my son’s love of all things nature. He is catching grasshoppers for the class salamanders and helping his teacher find all sorts of bugs and animals outside which his teacher documents and photographs (he is working with some sort of group having to do with nature-I really can’t remember what it is though). The fact that he needs to wear a mask all day and on the bus has not worried him one tiny bit! (Polar opposite from his mom here)

Karina

Karina began her grade 3 year as a homeschooler. We decided not to do remote learning or distance learning. It wasn’t really as much our decision as what ended up happening because of lack of information and poor communication…I can always fill you in on that later lol. Regardless of where her education was going to come from though, she was not going back to school (at least for now). We are only 2 weeks into it and we have already had many ups and downs but I’m learning what kind of learner she is, what makes her tick when it comes to school, and trying to remind myself that I am teaching her, Karina, not me. We all learn differently and this is not a classroom in a school.

Ryan

Ryan started his first day of Kindergarten on September 15. He will be going every second day for the whole day. This is so great for him! He gets to spend time with so many other kids other than his brother and sister and I know this was the right choice for hi as well. Lol, he didn’t make that decision on his own but he did get to give his thoughts and concerns. The mask was not a concern (for him, different story for me haha). I can’t wait to see what kinds of great pieces of art work he will bring home! I just love watching them grow and change throughout their years!

The Workplace

My biggest struggle by far has been my workplace. When they implemented mandatory masks for employees and customers this meant that each I worked I fought back those anxieties and all the trauma responses that come with it. It is exhausting to have to find a way to do my job, deal with customers yelling and threatening (another big trigger for me), my own mental health including the panic attacks that were incurring constantly due to all the triggers and extra stress…I was a mental mess. I still am, to be honest. I’m finding it very hard to cope with it all.

I also worry about the impact this year is going to have on people world wide long term. I fear we’re going to end up with more mass shootings or bomb threats or heaven only knows! I don’t feel there’s enough mental health support for everyone during this pandemic. It worries me that someone could literally *snap* at any given time and I sometimes worry that someone might be me or a teacher at my kid’s school, or a customer that I ask to please pull up their mask. The fear is real.

Anyway, take care for now friends. I’ve missed everyone over the past couple of months and I can’t promise how often I will be able to pop in, at least until I can find some sort of groove with this crazy life, but I’m over here thinking of all of you!

I also want to say a special thank you to Dwain for reaching out. It’s not the first time and honestly I hope it’s not the last. You know when those bad days just pile up and nothing is going according to plan, when the depression has hit too many times to count and you just feel like nothing you do matters anymore? Dwain, your email helped me realize that there are people out there who (even though we’ve never met) care. This means a lot and I truly appreciate your kindness.

-Ang

Categories
home-making Life mental health Uncategorized

April Recap

Volcanic eggs

I’m not really sure where this month has gone. The calendar tell me it’s the 23rd but it’s all just a big blur honestly. Maybe it’s because of all the disinfectants and sanitizers I’ve been using at work. Who knows really, but I have been gone from home roughly 60 hours a week and I’m ready to sleep now LOL. I used to throw myself into work (of any kind) just to make myself so unbelievably busy that I’d have no time to know that I wasn’t well or happy or sometimes just to forget the pain. One way I can tell I’ve done a lot healing in the last year is that’s not the case anymore. The more I work, the more pain I’m in and the busier my mind is trying to sort out everything that I need to remember and do and decide. So the few days that I’ve had off from work I’ve thrown myself into doing not much of anything and then trying to convince myself that it’s okay! It’s productive to not accomplish anything because I’m healing my body by resting. This is such a hard thing for me to accept but I’ve been learning and succeeding 🙂 Go me!

Finished Unicorn eggs

We did Easter crafts in amongst the sporadic schooling and I splurged on all sorts of things I normally wouldn’t like the egg dying kits and the crafts for in the baskets. We all had so much fun this year decorating and playing games. We made Unicorn eggs, Volcanic eggs, regular old fashioned colored eggs and we made Galactic eggs as well but I can’t seem to find the picture for those ones. We’ve kept busy with Monopoly, fort building, helping with the many chores and probably too much screen time. The screen time is hard one for me to accept but I’m just having to learn to go with it because I need a rest too! We’ve ran out of books so we’re re-reading some and the kids don’t like that haha. We are really missing our little library!

The making of the Unicorn eggs

I don’t remember how I managed to make time for coloring eggs but we squeezed it in and it was fun and not rushed and I really surprised myself (I’m sure my husband was also surprised) at how smoothly everything went even with all the mess! I handled that mess like a champ 😀 I have an unshakable faith in the table that belonged to my Grandparents since before I was born. This table had many messes and mark ups all over it and you would never guess. And because I know how easy it is to clean anything off of it, all the food coloring that was spread from one side to the other barely made a ripple in my blood pressure lol.

Easter cookies

The cookies we made were the store bought pre-made ones that come with the icing (so unlike me!) and the kids even questioned why we weren’t making them and if they are okay to eat or if we have to hang them up Lol! They did a great job of decorating them and even better job eating them. I really really enjoyed this Easter. You see, for the last 10 years I have attended maybe 4. The kids always spent Easter with my in-laws and they planned it for a day I was at work or volunteering so we could all travel to the city together instead of separate vehicles. This worked well except for the fact that I was not involved in the family gathering. So I was just in my glory this Easter 🙂 The kids were so patient with me (I felt bad though), I slept in until 9:30 because I had been so exhausted and they waited for me before gathering all the eggs that they looked for already but didn’t want me to know haha. Kids.

I’ve also been busy with making my own disinfecting wipes and floor cleaner (I always did but now we’re going through more). And I recently lost 21 inches of hair which is feeling pretty good. Chopped ‘er all off. I also think I managed to get my WordPress working good again. I don’t think I’ve had any problems recently and that makes me so happy! I’m still falling behind pretty regularly but it’s easier to get caught up when I can like or comment more than 2-3 times before it stops letting me.

How has your month been going? I hope you have been able to stay and feel safe during this time. I finally had a chance to have a phone appointment with my councilor today and she helped me see that even though we are safe, it doesn’t mean that we feel safe. Feeling safe is something that I struggled with for the first couple of weeks but I’m feeling better about that now, I still have my (many) moments, but I’m handling them more efficiently, (or so she thinks) which is hopeful. I also feel like I’ve been such a mess lately. We finally got some good news that my husband will be going back to work! It’s been rough, though last year was much harder when he was laid off because it happened so early and we were unprepared for it. I’m so relieved!

Categories
Life mental health

Red Deer Dance Invasion 2020

Today I am in a crowded venue somewhere in Red Deer Alberta. Somewhere I’ve never been before with thousands of people I don’t know and a handful that I sort of do. My anxiety is probably super high, my stress level up there as well. But I am about to watch my children get up on that stage and perform in front of all these strangers. I always cry when I watch these kids up there (not just mine but all of them) giving it all they got and having such a great time. Knowing that some are incredibly nervous and others are incredibly scared but still getting up there and dancing their little hearts out.

Girl in White Shirt and Red and White Striped Pants Bending Her Head

I’m just so proud of each and every one of those kids.

My daughter dances around noon and my son not until supper. It’s a long day and we’re all tired and hungry but my heart is so full right now. I’m spending the weekend with one of my few best friends from school. This one in particular has been in my life since we were in grade 4. We were somewhere around 9 or 10 years old. This year we both turn 40. In fact she already has by the time this gets posted (but sssshhhh!!!)

Man Break Dancing On Street

I hope everyone is having a great weekend and I hope with all my anxiety that I am as well. I’m writing this on the 10th and I’ll be busy with baking orders the rest of my week and gone Friday morning. So I might be popping on here to send a few likes and comments and distract myself from my racing thoughts throughout the rest of the week. As I write this last paragragh, I realize how pointless it was to add that last part but I won’t take it out LOL.

-Ang