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Life mental health Uncategorized

A Hard and Honest Moment

This has been sitting in my drafts for a little bit. Originally when I wrote it I felt that I should not go through with posting it. Then I thought, heck with it. It’s real and I’m far from perfect. Back and forth I went not knowing what to do with it. I still feel I shouldn’t put it out there but I sit here knowing that in the end I will push that publish button. Sure, I may have family that might read it, or a co-worker that might see it, but like I said, it’s real and I don’t like fake. So as you read this (IF you read this) please know that we all have our struggles, or weaknesses and our secrets. But we are ALL worthy of forgiveness and His love. If you are struggling with any addictions or mental health, PLEASE reach out and talk to someone. You’re worth it and you ARE loved! -Ang

To start this off, I want to add a paragraph from a past post in case someone didn’t read it. I want you to have more of an understanding where this post originated and my feelings going into it. I want you to have a little background if you don’t know me or my story. Also, when I go off on a tangent I rarely get all I want to say out, I often miss important things, and I hardly ever fill in all the blanks So please, if I seem callous and uncaring, that’s not the whole story lol.

“My biggest struggle by far has been my workplace. When they implemented mandatory masks for employees and customers this meant that each time I worked I fought back those anxieties and all the trauma shit that come with it. It is exhausting to have to find a way to do my job, deal with customers yelling and threatening (another big trigger for me), my own mental health including the panic attacks that were incurring constantly due to all the triggers and extra stress…I was a mental mess. I still am, to be honest. I’m finding it very hard to cope with it all.”

I’ve been struggling with the need to drink again. Not gonna lie, I’ve allowed myself to give into those urges on more than a handful of occasions. Am I proud of that? No. Am I ashamed of it? Yes, but that’s allowed right? I worry that I won’t always have that control to stop after 1 or 2 again. It makes me angry. Pissed right off actually that I would allow my workplace to force this on me which means I need to deal with all this shit I’ve worked so hard to deal with and keep under control. I hate myself some days for allowing them to have that kind of power. But it’s my job. *sigh Why is it okay for a customer to come and start threatening the employees and other customers because he has PTSD? I understand..but this is NOT an excuse to treat people horribly. Why is it okay that I be put in the situation of having to deal with this man who is triggering my own CPTSD? Why is it okay that the managers bend over backwards to kiss this man’s ass and I need to have someone ring in all his stuff and deliver it to him in the parking lot because he couldn’t handle being in the store with the mask?

There are people we can’t call to help us on cash because they have anxiety and have trouble being on cash, scared of being yelled at, the noise is a trigger, have claustrophobia and can’t be behind the tills with the plexi, etc. What does my manager say?? “The anxiety thing is really being over used lately. This is part of their job and if they can’t fulfill it they need to find another job.” And then proceeds to fake an anxiety attack. What was my reaction to the last person who began to have an anxiety attack while on till? My initial reaction was from a place of anger and resentment. I pictured that manager’s mocking ways and heard his words bounce around in my head. When I was able to recognize that feeling, I was in a better place to get a replacement immediately and speak with her about my concerns. I let a (different) manager know about the situation and told her if she’s called again to give one of 3 names and let them know she does not need to run till as per these people. I hope it helps her but the toxicity of this place and of the people working there just keeps getting worse.

I’m stuck at this point. Not knowing if I should numb myself again so I don’t turn to drinking to cope again or if I should quit my job so I can take care of ME. I need the job. But my kids need ME, not the alcohol sneaking, angry version of myself, but the real me that has worked SO fucking hard to get to where I am (was…I feel that slipping away every time I go to work). The ME that lives for hearing them laugh and play loudly even if that means I can’t talk on the phone because they’re too loud. The ME that reads to them every night before bed instead of ending every day with yelling because they’re cutting into MY time now.

It’s unfair. And I hate it.

And that’s my dark and ranting post for today. I mean, I could go on but really, what’s the point.

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Life mental health Uncategorized

I Made It Through Yet Another September (well, almost)

September.

Ever since 2010, the months of August, September and December have been so hard due to some hard times and family things. The depression hits, the mood swings are worse because of numerous reasons, my sleep suffers and I really struggle to even get out of bed most days.

This summer was a very intentional summer in my home. I made a real effort to have fun with the kids, help them make their own decisions (big and small), do things they wanted to do and at the same time fill my own cup with making our adventures educational and memorable. The summer flew by with their first camping trip, their first tenting experience, time at my husband’s family cabin with just me and them, nature walks, sunset chasing, dragonfly saving…ALL the things! I needed it, they needed it. I also made sure to allow tons of time for them to spend with their cousin who they will not be seeing much now that he is starting school many hours away in Moose Jaw. They had their last play date and we were all sad saying good-bye. I worry about him being so far away. And I also worried daily about the 2020 school year looming and what it was going to look like.

Mid-August my youngest turned 5. I’m still trying to figure out how that happened so fast. The day of his birthday I received an email asking all families to let the school district know if they were NOT planning on sending their children back to school. This was a big decision in which I had been speaking to my kids about probably more often than necessary. They knew their options and understood that there was no wrong answer but I wanted them to make that decision from their heart.

Starting September 9th this year my children began new journeys that they had a part in deciding. I am proud of them for making the decision and I am in their corners all the way.

Brody

Brody began grade 5 with a teacher who shares my son’s love of all things nature. He is catching grasshoppers for the class salamanders and helping his teacher find all sorts of bugs and animals outside which his teacher documents and photographs (he is working with some sort of group having to do with nature-I really can’t remember what it is though). The fact that he needs to wear a mask all day and on the bus has not worried him one tiny bit! (Polar opposite from his mom here)

Karina

Karina began her grade 3 year as a homeschooler. We decided not to do remote learning or distance learning. It wasn’t really as much our decision as what ended up happening because of lack of information and poor communication…I can always fill you in on that later lol. Regardless of where her education was going to come from though, she was not going back to school (at least for now). We are only 2 weeks into it and we have already had many ups and downs but I’m learning what kind of learner she is, what makes her tick when it comes to school, and trying to remind myself that I am teaching her, Karina, not me. We all learn differently and this is not a classroom in a school.

Ryan

Ryan started his first day of Kindergarten on September 15. He will be going every second day for the whole day. This is so great for him! He gets to spend time with so many other kids other than his brother and sister and I know this was the right choice for hi as well. Lol, he didn’t make that decision on his own but he did get to give his thoughts and concerns. The mask was not a concern (for him, different story for me haha). I can’t wait to see what kinds of great pieces of art work he will bring home! I just love watching them grow and change throughout their years!

The Workplace

My biggest struggle by far has been my workplace. When they implemented mandatory masks for employees and customers this meant that each I worked I fought back those anxieties and all the trauma responses that come with it. It is exhausting to have to find a way to do my job, deal with customers yelling and threatening (another big trigger for me), my own mental health including the panic attacks that were incurring constantly due to all the triggers and extra stress…I was a mental mess. I still am, to be honest. I’m finding it very hard to cope with it all.

I also worry about the impact this year is going to have on people world wide long term. I fear we’re going to end up with more mass shootings or bomb threats or heaven only knows! I don’t feel there’s enough mental health support for everyone during this pandemic. It worries me that someone could literally *snap* at any given time and I sometimes worry that someone might be me or a teacher at my kid’s school, or a customer that I ask to please pull up their mask. The fear is real.

Anyway, take care for now friends. I’ve missed everyone over the past couple of months and I can’t promise how often I will be able to pop in, at least until I can find some sort of groove with this crazy life, but I’m over here thinking of all of you!

I also want to say a special thank you to Dwain for reaching out. It’s not the first time and honestly I hope it’s not the last. You know when those bad days just pile up and nothing is going according to plan, when the depression has hit too many times to count and you just feel like nothing you do matters anymore? Dwain, your email helped me realize that there are people out there who (even though we’ve never met) care. This means a lot and I truly appreciate your kindness.

-Ang