Authenticity Is Scary

I saw my ex-friend’s mom the other day. I’ve known her for so long and she’s always been so good to me. I call her Mom, always have. We used to take road trips together to go get my friend from whatever hole she dug for herself. It was always fun on the way to get her. Then we would have serious talks while packing her up and we would have many laughs and tears on the way home. I think the best trip we did was when we picked her up from outside Kindersley in Mom’s tiny little Firefly. This was back when the band Aqua was super cool. We karaokeed all the way there with little breaks in between to discuss our feelings of the current situation. After packing up the friend from the horrible house situation, we fled before her current boyfriend got home or we would all be in big doodoo!!

These were my first experiences with drug houses. My last experience a few years ago was much worse than I had ever seen in the homes she used to live in with her boyfriends. Then again she was never into the really hard drugs. The house I stayed at in Calgary while with someone else was full of coke and meth and all kinds of liquor and dysfunction. I hardly slept. It was an experience I wouldn’t want to go through again. They managed to get out of that situation and are thankfully now in a much better place without the drugs. But I needed to help them from afar because I had my babies at home.

I only bring this up because of all the memories that came flooding back upon seeing “Mom”. I always ask if she’s seen her grand baby lately (her daughter doesn’t always let her see grand daughter). My ex-friend has lots of mental health issues including manic depression and being bi-polar. When she stops taking her meds it has always been difficult to communicate with her. When she is on her meds she is a whole different person. I miss her. I don’t miss her. I love her, I hate her. I wish I could have helped her but she didn’t seem to want the help.

Sometimes I feel like I may have let her down since she didn’t have any other friend that knew her like I did. When she stopped her meds the last time while we were still friends we spent so much time on the phone together discussing how her neighbors and landlord have been sneaking into her place and taking things. Which, of course, was just her paranoia. I told her I was scared for her daughter and I mentioned that I thought maybe she should see her therapist again. On her side of the phone I could hear things being thrown and she was screaming at the top of her lungs. She had locked her daughter in her room so she wouldn’t be hurt but I knew the poor girl could still hear the ranting and she must be so scared. I was almost 2 hours away from her and it hurt like bloody hell not to be able to go to her. I just wanted to wrap my arms around them until their world was quiet again. I was driving home with my kids in the car and it took all I had NOT to show the fear I had for my friend or the tears that were streaming down my cheeks knowing the hurt she was going through and the confusion and racing thoughts…This episode caused a downward spiral that I wish I had control over. She didn’t get better for a long time. I never really talked to her the same afterwards. After she lost her crackers on me regarding something another friend had said (less than a year later) I just couldn’t deal anymore. It’s been about 4 years now since we have had contact, though I still see her often. We had been friends for over 20 years. And though we were super close we had completely different lives and different circles that we ran in but we could always meet in the middle to spend time together before going back to the people the world saw us to be. We were always our most authentic selves when we could be together with no one else. All our truths were known and we accepted and loved each others flaws.

The 6 minutes that mom and I had to talk while I was working was just what I needed. We can’t hug, obviously. But in those few minutes it felt like I had more support and understanding than I have felt in too long. When we parted I felt like had just got the hug I so desperately needed. Mom doesn’t know about my whole past but she knows my daily struggles, the present struggles, and what my near future holds. She reminded me that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, that I am loved by many and that I got this. “This” being life and the obstacles that I am faced with while trying to better things for myself and my kids. And while I’m searching for guidance to my authentic self I have people rooting for me even though I can’t see or hear them in my corner…they are there.

So, again, I took you on a hazy little trip through some of the cobwebs in my brain and yet another part of me that not many people know. It’s a step toward my truth and authenticity and though it’s slow progress I am looking forward to see what other memories are lurking in the dark corners and dust-covered boxes in the back of my head.

Take care and stay safe,

-Ang