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Life mental health Uncategorized

Acceptance Denied and Humans Are Mean

Last weekend was a hard one for me and it I’m still trying to wrap my head around the events and move past everything.

While at work on Friday there was an extremely rude customer who started yelling at me at the top of his lungs (well perhaps he could have went louder, I’m not sure) and he got in my face and started shaking his finger about a foot away from my nose. This was a hard trigger. I was immediately that little girl again being scolded for some minute thing that had my step dad getting mad. When the finger comes out I have only one chance to either run or brace myself. Looking back at this incident I go into tears with the fear that I didn’t feel then but probably should have. I didn’t run away. I braced myself. I braced myself for what I assumed I was about to get because I offered to help someone in a moment that he obviously didn’t want or need my help. I spoke out of turn. I moved without being asked to do something. I breathed before permission was granted. This man was escorted out by security and management.

Saturday was going relatively well. I was on the road by 5:30 am and was going to be heading home by 1:30 pm. At about 12, the other supervisor that was working with me filled me in on the situation regarding a cashier that had been missing quite a bit of work lately. I was told not to approach her with the topic of her mom. I asked why, what was happening? You see, I went to school with her mom, I consider her a friend. I had just spoke to her 4 days prior to this and nothing out of the ordinary was mentioned. Her mom committed suicide I was told. My mind turned off and whirled a trillion times around at the same time. I felt dizzy, I felt sick. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t hear her though she kept right on talking. I remember thinking things like: When did I talk to her last? How did she sound? When was she last on Facebook? Mom, send me sign if she’s there with you. I stayed at work late, didn’t leave until 3. I couldn’t go because I have that long drive and I knew I would have a break down. My heart felt so heavy for her family. I needed to call her mom, maybe her brother would be best. Oh, her poor kids. Didn’t she know how loved she was???

Wait… Rewind here. Something isn’t sitting right. In my heart I know something isn’t right. I can’t think this through while I’m driving. By the time I got home (my husband and the kids were out for a walk) I was so mentally drained, my eyes so puffy it hurt to blink, my head pounding, I went to lay down. I fluffed up my favorite pillow and pulled my mink blanket up to my chin. It’s ok, I don’t have to start supper, it’s important that I take care of myself first. I need to lay down. I dozed off a couple of short times but every time I woke my mind was racing again. Little ideas and thoughts poking through the fog and I could sense that I may be in denial about the whole thing. I know she had issues and that this was entirely possible but my mind and heart together were screaming for my attention to details. I grabbed my phone and started digging. By 8 pm that night I received a message from her saying she was indeed not dead and that she would be speaking to her daughter as soon as she was home.

*insert screechy sound of the record stopping here*

Not cool little girl, not cool at all. I don’t know how I’m going to manage to work with her again and not go all mom mode on her. I know if this was me that did that, her mom would’ve been speaking to me and my mom would have words for her too. I’ll stay out of it though because I also know that my friend has it handled.

Sunday we had two more instances that needed management and one that we nearly had to call the police for. This isolation thing is getting to people in bad ways. People need socialization to survive. They also need to play nice while out in public…

-Ang

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home-making Life mental health Uncategorized

April Recap

Volcanic eggs

I’m not really sure where this month has gone. The calendar tell me it’s the 23rd but it’s all just a big blur honestly. Maybe it’s because of all the disinfectants and sanitizers I’ve been using at work. Who knows really, but I have been gone from home roughly 60 hours a week and I’m ready to sleep now LOL. I used to throw myself into work (of any kind) just to make myself so unbelievably busy that I’d have no time to know that I wasn’t well or happy or sometimes just to forget the pain. One way I can tell I’ve done a lot healing in the last year is that’s not the case anymore. The more I work, the more pain I’m in and the busier my mind is trying to sort out everything that I need to remember and do and decide. So the few days that I’ve had off from work I’ve thrown myself into doing not much of anything and then trying to convince myself that it’s okay! It’s productive to not accomplish anything because I’m healing my body by resting. This is such a hard thing for me to accept but I’ve been learning and succeeding ๐Ÿ™‚ Go me!

Finished Unicorn eggs

We did Easter crafts in amongst the sporadic schooling and I splurged on all sorts of things I normally wouldn’t like the egg dying kits and the crafts for in the baskets. We all had so much fun this year decorating and playing games. We made Unicorn eggs, Volcanic eggs, regular old fashioned colored eggs and we made Galactic eggs as well but I can’t seem to find the picture for those ones. We’ve kept busy with Monopoly, fort building, helping with the many chores and probably too much screen time. The screen time is hard one for me to accept but I’m just having to learn to go with it because I need a rest too! We’ve ran out of books so we’re re-reading some and the kids don’t like that haha. We are really missing our little library!

The making of the Unicorn eggs

I don’t remember how I managed to make time for coloring eggs but we squeezed it in and it was fun and not rushed and I really surprised myself (I’m sure my husband was also surprised) at how smoothly everything went even with all the mess! I handled that mess like a champ ๐Ÿ˜€ I have an unshakable faith in the table that belonged to my Grandparents since before I was born. This table had many messes and mark ups all over it and you would never guess. And because I know how easy it is to clean anything off of it, all the food coloring that was spread from one side to the other barely made a ripple in my blood pressure lol.

Easter cookies

The cookies we made were the store bought pre-made ones that come with the icing (so unlike me!) and the kids even questioned why we weren’t making them and if they are okay to eat or if we have to hang them up Lol! They did a great job of decorating them and even better job eating them. I really really enjoyed this Easter. You see, for the last 10 years I have attended maybe 4. The kids always spent Easter with my in-laws and they planned it for a day I was at work or volunteering so we could all travel to the city together instead of separate vehicles. This worked well except for the fact that I was not involved in the family gathering. So I was just in my glory this Easter ๐Ÿ™‚ The kids were so patient with me (I felt bad though), I slept in until 9:30 because I had been so exhausted and they waited for me before gathering all the eggs that they looked for already but didn’t want me to know haha. Kids.

I’ve also been busy with making my own disinfecting wipes and floor cleaner (I always did but now we’re going through more). And I recently lost 21 inches of hair which is feeling pretty good. Chopped ‘er all off. I also think I managed to get my WordPress working good again. I don’t think I’ve had any problems recently and that makes me so happy! I’m still falling behind pretty regularly but it’s easier to get caught up when I can like or comment more than 2-3 times before it stops letting me.

How has your month been going? I hope you have been able to stay and feel safe during this time. I finally had a chance to have a phone appointment with my councilor today and she helped me see that even though we are safe, it doesn’t mean that we feel safe. Feeling safe is something that I struggled with for the first couple of weeks but I’m feeling better about that now, I still have my (many) moments, but I’m handling them more efficiently, (or so she thinks) which is hopeful. I also feel like I’ve been such a mess lately. We finally got some good news that my husband will be going back to work! It’s been rough, though last year was much harder when he was laid off because it happened so early and we were unprepared for it. I’m so relieved!

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Life Uncategorized

The Effect Of Words

Something that someone told me about myself that I never forgot… hmmm. This one has been a tough one because there’s so many things that go through my head on an hourly, daily, weekly, constant basis. I’m sure I’m not the only one who tends to only remember the negative so I had to work extra hard to think of something positive here.

I also have to add that for any of negative memories, I could not remember WHO said them so I’m going to work extra hard to fight them with positive thinking because it must be my own anxieties and low self esteem that are muttering all that crap.

So I’m going to answer this with one positive and one negative with a little explanation on each, beginning with the positive.

My family has always loved to laugh at my jokes and I’ve always loved to get a good laugh from them. I always felt accepted, loved, and enough when I was around them. I thrived in the spotlight and craved the attention. They always said I had a good sense of humor and I can always make people smile. This meant so much to me because in my mind it meant that I was valuable.

And now the negative one. When I was about 16 I had a friend that was very suicidal. He was in charge of his schizophrenic younger brother most of the time because his single mom had to work 3 jobs to support them. He was having a really rough time and I stayed with him until his mom got home from work. She worried about her boys. This happened more than once that I was extremely late getting home but I could usually get inside without waking dad. My mom knew and she may not have been okay with it because she worried too, but she always supported me and my friends. One time I accidentally woke him up and he was mad. He said I was nothing but a sl*t and would never be more than that. These word stung but not for the reason that you probably think. It hurt because he didn’t give me a chance to explain. He judged me in that instant and he automatically thought something that horrific of me. The man who had been in my life for 14 years knew absolutely nothing about how my mind and my heart worked. Almost 30 years later, my biological dad whom I had only known for a year or so said the same words to me because I was wearing red nail polish. This time I laughed. He got mad that I was being disrespectful and I remember telling him something along the lines of “You’re pretty quick to judge someone you barely know and if you call me that again you can walk out that door and not bother coming back” He left. But he was back when he got out of the drunk tank the next day.

Both of these have impacted the way I have grown and the decisions I make today and, whether others take away the same thing from these experiences or not, I personally wouldn’t change them. Now. I didn’t always think that way.

I hope everyone has a wonderful week!

-Ang

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Life mental health Uncategorized

Struggles And Cuddles

The struggle is real. And if I hope to make it through in tact to the end of this thing, I’m going to have to step back from work. I’ve managed to burn myself out again. I’ve been doing full time hours (and I feel blessed to have that option right now especially since my husband was laid off in January) but the full days plus the drive and now planning out school days on top of the extra laundry and showers and cleaning… I just feel like I’m about to collapse.

I’ve been having troubles controlling the anxiety again (and I was doing so bloody well!), the mood swings, the tears from nowhere, the eating…

Those 2 days a week that I do get to spend at home (not 2 consecutive days though, because why would anyone want that??) I get lots of love and cuddles from those littles of mine.

I am still having lots of trouble liking and commenting. It seems that the only time it’s working is if I can catch y’all in my reader. I’m here though and I’m reading and I hope until I can get this fixed (whenever I have some spare time lol) please don’t forget about me LOL!

-Ang

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Life mental health Uncategorized

The Origins of Codependence โ€” club project health.org

Codependency is characterized as an imbalanced and dysfunctional relationship where one individual enables another person for almost all their emotional needs. The behavior patterns of Codepency are usually passed down through generations of family and are taught unconsciously. Codependency is a form of relationship addiction. Individuals who suffer from codepenct behaviorย [โ€ฆ]

The Origins of Codependence โ€” club project health.org