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Giving Myself Permission

It’s time to look at things in whole new light

I wrote this a week ago and I was holding onto it because I really wasn’t sure if I wanted to share it. The fact is that this is something I really struggle with. I find it hard to give myself permission for a lot of things. Even something as simple as sitting down for 10 minutes for a quick little break and reading a book. I can sit and take a break but I need to do something productive like make a grocery list or plan out meals for the next week…but to read? I feel guilty for taking time for myself. There’s been a lot happening in my head lately and now that I can feel this depression lifting (FINALLY) I can start to think straight again. I think I know what got it going this time and I need to deal with those feelings and thoughts before I can move forward and on to the next one. Seriously though, I feel like every time it hits me, it’s a new learning opportunity. I’m starting to FEEL and I can catch myself (usually) when I’m starting to numb out again. I welcome all my feelings and I am learning from them. Although feelings used to scare me (still do sometimes), it’s a good thing 🙂

Today I give myself permission.

Permission to make mistakes.

Permission to slow down.

Permission to try again.

Permission to be perfectly imperfect.

Permission to love myself.

Permission to free myself from the negativity of my family.

Permission to free myself from the negativity of my own mind.

Permission to say no to whatever I want.

I heard the most profound thing today. Something I’ve heard before but it didn’t make any difference in my mind until today. Today for some reason it resonated with me and I knew how important those words were. Actually, I think it’s because of a phone call I regrettably took from my dad this morning. I haven’t heard from him since before Thanksgiving. He spent Thanksgiving with my sister and her family and not a single family member contacted me. This is the first year that I didn’t have a big thing at my house (some personal issues came up and I just couldn’t do it). The 11th was my Mom’s birthday (who is no longer with us physically) and the depression was pretty bad. It has been getting worse since the beginning of September and no matter how hard I fight it, it keeps dragging me down further in this dark hole that I keep trying to claw my way out of. I didn’t have the strength or the want to go through with a big dinner here. There were no calls or texts asking what the plan was, no one calling to invite us somewhere else… All I know is that it hurts like a mother-other when my family does this to me. Over and over again. I know I need to let it go, I know I need to just keep moving forward with my own life but they are family. I grew up with my family getting together for every occasion and everyone actually wanting to spend time together. Things have changed so much over the years. No one values time spent together anymore.

So when I heard this said today it struck me. Give yourself permission to try again. And those words brought on so many more thoughts.

If you could give yourself permission for something, what would it be?

Thank you so much for reading and I hope you’re having a good week. For anyone going out tonight, have a safe night out there, Happy Hallowe’en!

Ang

4 replies on “Giving Myself Permission”

Ahhhh. Family. 7 months ago, my wife finally gave herself permission to not try to be the one to smooth over family problems. This was after her 88 year old father flew into a rage at us, as we were leaving his place. We have not heard from him in 7 months nor have we tried to contact him. It has been peaceful….sad…..but peaceful.

Hope you can read a good book without guilt Angie. Allan

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Good for her for making that extremely hard decision. I’ve made the decision as well (many times) but it’s hard to stick to. Props to you as well for sticking by her with that decision as well! It’s even harder when your spouse continues a relationship when you’re trying to break away.
Thank you Allan 🙂

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Angie, I can relate to the way your feeling. My family was very toxic and any time I spoke up I would feel a shamed and whenever I said no, I felt even worse. It wasn’t until my healing journey had taken place that something happened. I created a program based on this. I want to share a bit with you. When you complete your family tree your truth will be revealed the shadows of your families history will reveal itself to you. It is necessary for you to excavate the ground that you were born on, before you can build the new foundation. I had to take a break from my family and when I returned I did so with a better understanding and I also set boundaries. Our relationship now, is great. We need to step back sometimes in order to see the full picture.

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I’m beginning to see things on my mom’s side. I still have a very dysfunctional birth dad side and also the step-side. Finding more information on both those sides will be difficult but it’s on my moms side that I’m finding the “strength” I thought all the women carried on through the years really wasn’t strength. I’m learning slowly. I also realized that this is my opportunity to bring light to the family trauma circle 🙂 I don’t want my kids to continue carrying it forward. I want a better and happier life for them, and for myself as well!
Thank you so much Wendy 🙂

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