I started this post back on June 25th. I have no idea what I originally wanted it to be, I can’t remember! I know that I was missing my family, something I haven’t let bother me in about 3 years. Not only was I missing them but I was feeling some resentment about how everything “went down” and I feel it’s unfair that we all made the choices we made. With that being said…
My cousin that I haven’t seen or talked to in 3.5 years is about to get married and my family and I are surprisingly invited. This is a big decision. One that stirs my anxiety on many levels. I want to go because this is such a huge day for her and I want to support her. I don’t want to go because it means I will be subjecting myself to the very people who I feel finally separated our family into a hundred broken shards (I picture a glass breaking as it finally hits the floor). I’m sure I can participate without conversing with them at all but I also know how hard it will be. I also don’t know if I will be mentally strong enough to hold my tongue and be the “good girl” that everyone knows me to be. I grew up as the people pleaser in my family and the out cast due to my mom’s ex and the story there. Always trying to be good enough and constantly seeking the approval of family. When I finally stood up for myself, my husband and my mother (who was already passed) no one like the new me. All the therapy that I have been doing has helped tremendously to change this and I’m finally moving forward to a better place in my life.
I worry that they will knock me down with only a few of their thoughtless words.
I already made the decision that I won’t be taking the kids along. The couple of people from my family that I have kept close have been able to watch my kids grow and be a part of their lives but I feel like I need to protect them from many of the family members. Maybe I’m over-reacting there, it doesn’t matter.
I’ve just finally been able to move on and up and I feel so good! I don’t want to ruin this feeling of peace and acceptance with myself.
On a much more POSITIVE note, it has been 2 YEARS that I quit smoking. Yes, I still have moments that I crave it but I know it’s nothing and I have no trouble getting past it. Two years.
So I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing, enjoying all the little moments in life, the kids (they’re only small for a little bit), and in the midst of all the chaos in my busy life, try to take some time each day to reflect on how far I’ve come and do some bird watching 😀 I’m grateful for all that I have in life 🙂
Have a blessed day!